Civilisation

Reasons to Fear the Polar Bear

polar bears

Heave writer Adam Cowden has a lot of stuff that he's written for Cracked that didn't go in, but all the same should be seen by the masses. Nosotros'll exist picking upwards some of information technology. Today, he'd similar to teach you about polar bears.

The WWF would take you lot believe that polar bears are cute, oversized blimp animals that desperately need your help. In reality, the but thing the polar needs or wants from you is your complete and utter devastation, and, for that matter, the complete and utter destruction of everything in its path. If you plan on "adopting" a polar bear, here are a few reasons to make sure that someone else will be raising information technology.

1) Polar bears are the just animals that actively chase humans.

Polar bears are idea to be the simply beast to actively hunt humans. According to Ed Zebedee, the director of the Government of Nunavut's protection services, "Polar bears are the only animal that will definitely stalk a human being and eat them. Nobody goes out on the land hither without a gun."

You know when you're watching an Animal Planet special on lions, and the Australian guy who'southward standing too close to the pack loudly says, "They're actually more afraid of us than nosotros are of them!"? Not so with the polar comport. They have a reputation for having "no fear of humans," probably due to their natural habitat unremarkably being far removed from human civilization.

You know when you lot're watching Shark Week, and they show you the glorious 3D-rendered simulation of the attack, and the guy says, "To a shark, from below, the surfer on his surfboard looked just like a actually large fish!" Polar bears don't make that fault, simply they'll eat yous anyway. They have a almost omnivorous diet, and will stalk and prey on humans, especially if they are hungry. Oh, and they'll have an easy time doing it. Other than i subspecies of grizzly bear, they are the largest state predator, and a single swipe of a claw tin be enough to impale you.

Just how often does this angel of arctic death strike? Well, fairly rarely. During a 20-yr catamenia in Canada, half-dozen deaths and 14 injuries were reported. 15 of these incidents were "considered to be acts of predation past the comport, and one past a polar behave defending her cubs." The rarity man/polar bear contacts means that the hazard of being killed by one is pocket-sized, but if you lot do encounter one…well, don't worry also much, because it will probably have snuck up from behind and killed you already.

2) Forget about Jaws, polar bears are the most terrifying animals in the open water.

The polar bear'south body is naturally adjusted to swim in cold, arctic h2o, and their scientific name, ursus martitmus,  actually means "maritime conduct." When it comes to swimming form, polar bears practise information technology "doggy style," using actress-large forepaws to propel them frontward. Their hind paws, meanwhile, are held flat and used every bit steering rudders. If you recall that sounds like it would look funny and awkward, similar it does when you lot throw your puppy in the pool, keep in listen that polar bears can pretty easily attain a swimming speed of 6.2 mph, which ways they could easily outrun and devour your canis familiaris. Or yous, for that matter; the fastest ever recorded human swimming speed (for a paltry distance of 50m) is about v.3 mph.

Earlier increasing global temperatures caused polar water ice to melt, polar bears rarely had to swim what for them would exist considered a "long" distance for, just at present that information technology has begun to melt, they appear to have, how you say, "manned up."  According to a recent study, it is non infrequent for polar bears to now swim distances of 96 miles at 1 time, even up to a max of 220 miles at i time. Sometimes, polar conduct cubs accompany their mothers on these swims, and if the cubs tin't keep up in the open up water, they die. When it comes to "survival of the fittest," polar bears don't fuck effectually. If y'all can't swim the 96-mile length of the genetic pool, become out.

It remains to be seen just how far these creatures will swim to adapt to their changing surroundings. What's certain, however, is that B-list horror filmakers will go to all possible lengths to exploit this trend; scout out for Polar Bears 3D, coming soon.

iii) Polar bear liver is toxic.

Suppose that y'all do come up up confronting one of these Arctic carnage machines, and manage to come out on top. Obviously, the next thing you're going to want to practice is make similar Kirby and devour your opponent in social club to subsume its power, right? Wrong. Even in death, the polar bear is even so a killer.

Polar bears are adapted to a diet that includes an enormous corporeality of blubber, which is rich in Vitamin A. For this reason, the polar bear liver is adapted to process and store large amounts of vitamin A, which is fatal to humans in large doses. The Inuit have long known about the dangers of consuming polar bear liver, although the details surrounding the fate of their unlucky first taste-tester are unknown. If information technology was anything similar the decease of Arctic explorer Xavier Mertz, however, we can safely assume that it was admittedly fucking terrifying.

Mertz, along with companions Belgrave Ninnis and Douglas Mawson, were part of the Far Eastern Party Arctic expedition. (This is not to exist confused with the mediocre American hip-hop group Far East Move.) Things showtime began to take a turn for the worse when Ninnis savage downward a hidden crevasse (you can bet that the polar bear would accept spotted it, though) and took all of the supplies with him. Mawson and Mertz were soon forced to consume some of the sled dogs, which happened to be huskies. Mertz couldn't handle the difficult, stringy flesh, so took a more generous helping of the liver than did Mawson. Unfortunately for him, the husky, like the polar comport, has besides evolved to procedure a high amount of blab in its natural Chill habitat, and consequently has a liver jam-packed with vitamin A. The business relationship of both men'due south subsequent illness and Mertz's death sounds like something out of a bad acrid trip: "Their hair barbarous out in large tufts, nails grew loose, toes blackened, skin peeled off. One twenty-four hour period Mertz said to Mawson, 'Just a moment, and, reaching over, lifted from his ear a perfect peel cast. I was able to practise the same for him.' Mertz grew lethargic, weak, depressed, chilled, and one day delirious. He died, presumably of hypervitaminosis A…"

Just to give some perspective, the liver of an Antarctic Husky, which contains about 10,000 IU of Vitamin A per gram, is well-nigh three times less toxic than the liver of a polar behave. The boilerplate polar bear liver contains between 24,000 and 35,000 IU of Vitamin A per gram. 10,000 IU of Vitamin A is the rubber upper limit for human consumption, and signs of toxicity occur when between 25,000 to 30,000 IU are consumed. Then one paltry gram of chopped polar liver is well over the "legal limit," and is safely toxic. It is estimated that information technology would take about thirty to ninety yard of polar bear liver to kill a person. 30 grams is most i ounce, which is most the weight of a pencil. It is unsurprising, therefore, that Arctic Hunters make certain to either throw the polar bear liver into the sea or bury it; if anyone were to come up along and mistake it for something more benign, like rat poison or arsenic, it would spell instant death.

For obvious reasons, the polar carry volition exist awarded a medal for most ballsy "From the Grave" impale of the animal kingdom.

4) Polar bears are cannibals.

Polar behave males sometimes kill and swallow young of their own species.  "How is this surprising?" yous smugly inquire. "I'm smart. I read books. I know that cannibalism is fairly widespread in the animal kingdom." Aye – yous're right. Lions (every bit well as chimpanzees, our closest relative) have been known to impale and eat the young of their ain species. In both lions and chimpanzees, nevertheless, this behavior is thought to have at least partly a social function, as information technology appears to be used to assert dominance. At that place are even instances of human cannibalism, and not simply back in the stone historic period. Infamous African warlord cannibals like General Butt-Naked believe that eating human mankind imbues them with special power; thus, man cannibalism might as well thought to be linked to authority type behaviors (or simply a mental disorder).

In polar bears, even so, which are generally lone creatures, the purpose appears to be more often than not related to hunger. Just as melting polar ice appears to necessitate polar bears making extremely long marathon swims, the shrinking size of the natural polar bear habitat and the resulting food scarcity is at present forcing some to resort to cannibalism, providing farther evidence for the fact that when it comes to the battle for survival, polar bears are willing to go to whatsoever length.

v) Polar bears grow really fast.

Polar bears are born blind and weighing xx ounces, and are about the size of the Republic of guinea pig. This is the office where every reader, even the guy who just got back from maxing out at 350 on the demote-press, secretly says in the privacy of their mind:  "Ooooohhhhhhhh that's adooooorable!" You probably think it would exist cute to carry ane around in your little pink pocketbook like Reese Witherspoon'southward canis familiaris in Legally Blonde, right?

Well, by this betoken in the listing, you probably know improve.  Just in case you haven't banished the warm and fuzzy thoughts yet, here are some fun facts. In eight months' time, a polar bear will counterbalance about 100 pounds. This is definitely also big to fit in your purse.  A full grown male polar bear can weigh more than 1, 400 pounds, and this is more than the world'southward strongest man can deadlift. A female polar bear beginning breeds at the historic period of v or 6. Tin can y'all remember what you lot were doing when you were v, beside wetting the bed and sitting effectually weighing nether 50 pounds? If you were annihilation similar the typical human being baby, you were probably somewhere between v and 10 pounds at nativity, only tripled in weight by the first altogether, and certainly weren't producing any other puny, v-ten pound polar bear snacks by your 6th altogether.

What does this all mean?  Information technology means that adopting a babe polar bear would exist less like adopting a puppy and more similar adopting one of Ridley Scott's Aliens. No, information technology won't burst from your breast at the dinner table, but that's about where the dissimilarities terminate.